Except for specific cases, you can’t know in advance when your parents will no longer be with you. Life is unpredictable. It doesn’t follow a script and sure pays no mind to our expectations. Thus, many of us will end up having to cope with the ambiguous death of a parent. It might be that you became estranged. Perhaps you were still in touch but had left so much unsaid. In either instance — along with countless other scenarios — you will be left with a wide array of loose ends.
How do you manage such a frustrating situation?
The Importance of Closure
When we are able to resolve something, we generally deem that to be “closure.” It goes hand in hand with moving on. Research has discovered a neurological need for is to know what happened or understand the circumstances before we can accept them. Therefore, not having any sense of closure when a parent dies can be disorienting. It can create long-term problems.
That said, “closure” is not always a tangible destination. To think of it that way can be counterproductive. The goal is not about erasing memories and feelings. The goal is to come to terms with most of them. This can be particularly tricky when you are faced with an ambitious loss.
How the Ambiguous Loss of a Parent Can Impact You
While shock may be the initial emotion, it may be soon replaced with a blend of guilt, shame, confusion, and relief. Our relationships with our parents can be complex. Mix in some ambiguity and you’ve got a recipe for volatility. People dealing with an ambiguous often fall into patterns of self-medication (alcohol, drugs, etc.). They find themselves angry and unable to concentrate. The search for answers becomes all-consuming.
Of course, there are many ways to define “ambiguous loss.” Your parent could abandon you or shut you out of their life or they could simply disappear. For the purposes of this post, we’re talking about a parent dying. That said, some of the following suggestions are also useful in non-death scenarios.
3 Ways to Cope with the Ambiguous Loss of a Parent
Choose Self-Care Over Self-Punishment
Grief is a rough road under any circumstances. It’s easy to lose track of your basic needs so lay a foundation of self-care. Be careful to guard your sleeping, eating, and activity patterns. Don’t slide into self-punishing behaviors.
Do Not Isolate Yourself
When the internal struggle hits its peak, you might want nothing more than to withdraw. Fine, take some solitude as part of your self-care regimen. But maintain balance. Social interactions and support can be a lifeline as you try to process the situation.
Express Your Feelings
If, at first, you feel self-conscious, use a journal. Name your emotions. Keep track of your triggers. When possible, talk to trusted allies about what you are experiencing. There is no how-to manual for a life chapter like this. Don’t keep it all inside. It’s not so much about getting advice. It’s more about being heard.
Grief Counseling is Indispensable
As you can see, it is important for you to accept what has happened and seek ways to address it. Even so, you will be left with so many unanswered questions. These questions can combine with emotions like guilt, shame, and doubt to complicate your grieving. You can head off this brewing storm by seeking professional help. Your weekly therapy sessions will help you give voice to your confusion, your anger, and even your relief. Grief is not a linear, smooth process. Everyone struggles with it but can smooth the edges with the help of a skilled counselor how understands family systems.
I am here to support you. Please read more about family therapy and reach out for a consultation when you’re ready.
