Divorce is not uncommon. It’s considered normal enough that we have jokes, books, movies, and more dedicated to the general topic. Much of this content focuses on the potentially bitter feelings of the former partners. For certain, this is not an unusual outcome. But nowhere near enough time and energy are put toward appreciating and analyzing how complex this scenario can be for the children involved.
Whether they are kindergartners or high schoolers, kids will likely display some strong emotions, new behaviors, and changes in how they interact with their parents. Even though this is expected, it’s helpful to be prepared for it.
The First Year
Of course, every situation is different. Even so, research shows that the first year can be the toughest on children. This is precisely when parents must discover ways to help them navigate the upheaval. True, children can be remarkably resilient. They often adjust, adapt, and bounce back as time passes. But this does not decrease the importance of preparing for the changes of that first year. A good first step is to become aware of what possible changes may occur.
How Divorce Affects the Parent/Child Relationship — By Age
Very Young Children
The general concept is beyond their understanding. Young children might be confused by the changes—particularly shuttling back and forth between two homes. In one way, this can be a blessing as it involves less explaining and questioning. However, it can be heartbreaking, too.
Perhaps most difficult is their fear. They may perceive their parents as no longer loving each other. Such a perception could be accurate or not. However, the fear it provokes is that their parents could also stop loving them. Obviously, this can change how children relate to their parents.
Grade School Age
Their higher level of thinking is also a mixed blessing. You can share a more nuanced explanation in the hope it will ease their minds. Yet, this may not reduce their concern that they are to blame. Is it something I did to create this terrible change? They wonder. In other words, the fear has morphed from mistrusting their parents to doubting their own worth. Once again, the overall relationship can shift.
Teenagers
By their teenage years, your child has already undergone changes. Perhaps they had a filing out with a close friend. Maybe they’ve changed schools. A teenager may have already experienced dating and breakups. This more advanced perspective can be volatile combined with deeper intellectual skills. Your teen may respond with anger to the changes. They may already be closer to one parent than the other. This can result in intense feelings of blame. As a child this age moves toward independence, a divorce can push them away from both parents as possible guides or mentors.
Now What?
You cannot control how your children react to your divorce. Truth be told, you should not want to control their reactions. So, what’s left is for you to handle the basics:
Keep the lines of communication open 24/7.
Continue to co-parent as compassionately as possible.
Also, co-parent in a consistent manner.
Seek help to become better at co-parenting.
Give your kids time and space when it feels appropriate.
Do not ever get your children in the middle of a spat with your ex.
Teach your kids how to practice self-care and coping skills.
Even in the toughest of times, prioritize making your children feel safe.
There will be days (maybe even months) when this list seems more like fantasy than a possibility. This is when therapy can be indispensable. If being a parent after a divorce vexes you, I invite you to reach out for help.
