Grief is a universal human experience. Even so, it can feel different for each person and each situation. An example of this is anticipatory grief. As the name implies, this is a type of mourning that occurs before the loss. It can involve moving, leaving a job, or having a grown child move out. But, most commonly, anticipatory grief happens when you know in advance that a loved one is dying.
The signs and symptoms of anticipatory grief will mirror many of those of conventional grief. However, some very unique conditions exist. Let’s explore this concept a little more.
How Anticipatory Grief Differs From Grief After Death
Obviously, the primary difference is the whole before-and-after concept. When a person is literally watching a loved one die, it can provoke intense anger and frustration. This can manifest in more obvious displays of emotions. You are pulled in several directions and can experience a feeling of losing control.
At the same time, your loved one is still alive. You have the opportunity—and responsibility—to comfort them. Such a scenario may also inspire feelings like:
Powerful sympathy and compassion for the person who is near death.
Intrusive thoughts and visualizations of the death happening.
A desire to tie up loose ends and say what you feel needs to be said.
Imagining what life will be like after death happens.
A desperate attempt to prepare yourself for the impending loss.
Common Signs of Anticipatory Grief
Deep Distraction
No matter what you’re doing, your thoughts are never far from the dying person. You feel on edge, lacking focus, and making a decision seems impossible. Simultaneously, you are relentlessly checking on the dying person. What do they need? Are there any new symptoms?
Preparation Leads to Hopelessness
You want to do everything you can for them. You also want to be there when they take their last breath. Your attempts to “prepare” can bring about a sense of hopelessness. Nothing you do, you tell yourself, will make a difference.
Guilt
The common progression from despair is guilt. Could you have done something differently? Is any of this your fault? Questions like this are not unusual but they are also not productive.
Loneliness
You see people smiling, joking, and laughing, and you can’t comprehend it. How could anyone have a happy moment when your loved one is about to die? This can lead to self-isolation which can exacerbate loneliness.
In addition, someone enduring anticipatory grief will often experience physical signs of the stress they are feeling, e.g.:
Unexplained muscle aches, pain, and tension
Sleep disturbances
Appetite changes (usually eating less)
Digestive issues
Headaches
Heart palpitations
How Does One Deal With Anticipatory Grief?
Accept it as normal and inevitable.
Practice self-care.
Learn as much as you can about your loved one’s condition.
Connect with people you trust and open up to them.
Connect online with bereavement groups.
Feel what you need to feel but ask for help if it becomes overwhelming.
Don’t put your life on hold; find balance.
In whatever ways are possible, use this time to create moments with the dying person. These moments will soon become treasured memories. Again, if possible, take as many photos and as much video as you can. You will cherish them as a record of this difficult but meaningful time.
Getting Help With Anticipatory Grief
Grief is not something you can just ride out alone. You’ll need to lean on your support system and/or seek some professional guidance. If you find yourself in the unique situation of anticipatory grief, we should talk. I invite you to reach out and schedule a free and confidential consultation.
