Some level of anxiety in life is inevitable. When anxiety is out of balance, it can tell us some very convincing lies when we are most vulnerable. These distortions are so convincing, in fact, that our inner monologue can become a loop of what we should be doing or how life should be based on these anxiety-provoking beliefs.
Without self-compassion, this is a very difficult cycle to challenge. In the absence of self-compassion, we “should” ourselves into mental corners with negative self-talk and criticism. Too often, our time is spent searching for evidence that matches the erroneous or unproductive beliefs that drive fear and worry.
How Self-Compassion Can Help You Manage Anxious Feelings
Self-compassion is not unlike the compassion you feel for others. You’re likely the type of person who recognizes when someone is suffering. You don’t judge them or ask how they got to that point. Instead, you react with warmth, caring, understanding, and support.
When the beneficiary of such kindness is yourself, you feel less defined by your fears. Think of it as a path to finding balance. Developing self-compassion is important because it supports a deep need for emotional flexibility and safe space. With those in place, you can grow and more easily navigate anxiety-inducing experiences.
Countering it with self-compassion is a powerful step toward keeping anxious feelings in check and valuing yourself. To better understand how self-compassion can temper anxiety, consider a lesson from Positive Psychology. This branch of psychology focuses on a person’s strengths to move past surviving and into the realm of thriving.
Positive Psychology uses the ABC Model to identify how anxious thoughts can sabotage our wellbeing.
A is for any action that may occur. For example, your boss may email you to request a meeting. B is for belief, as in what you believe about this action. The anxious mind may default to worrying if you did something wrong. C is for the consequence of your belief. Following up on your boss’s email, you might spend the next three hours fixating on what you could have done wrong or should have done differently— wondering f you’re in big trouble.
Recognizing the ABCs of your behavior can expose how frequently anxiety lies to you. This kind of work also increases your self-awareness. Thereby it is much easier to practice self-compassion and assess anxiety-making situations.
3 Personal Steps to Increase Your Self-Compassion
1. Treat Yourself Like a Loved One
If your best friend were fixating on an email from their boss, you would not mock or judge them. You’d validate their concerns while gently guiding them away from their anxious responses. Whatever their boss does or doesn’t say in that meeting, you’d have your friend’s back. You deserve the same sort of calming care from yourself.
2. Stay in the Moment
Mindfulness teaches us to stay present and observant without judgment. We can move away from the guilt that lives in the past. We can also resist fears about the future. Essentially, by choosing to live in the moment, you can increase relief and self-control. Meditation and breathing exercises are valuable mindfulness techniques for feeling more grounded and calm.
3. Accept Imperfection
Perfectionism is a common reaction to uncertainty. You may be tempted to work harder, fix yourself, or focus on what you “should” do, be, or become to cope.
We know, of course, that perfection is a myth. To be human is to make mistakes. To accept yourself and your humanity is self-compassionate. Recognizing the peaks and valleys that drive uncertainty, low self-esteem, and controlling behavior is better in the long run. Accepting life and your responses (rather than avoiding uncertainty or unpleasantness) is validating and empowering. Ultimately, self-acceptance helps foster the adaptability that safeguards your sense of stability and wellbeing.
So, Can Self-Compassion Be Learned?
The short answer is yes. But the more accurate response is that self-compassion can be very tricky to cultivate on your own.
The longer you’ve struggled with anxiety and its distortions, the more daunting it may be to stop an unproductive inner dialogue. Fortunately, the journey toward self-compassion is not one you need to take alone.
Work with a skilled therapist is an ideal way to 1) identify and address your anxiety and 2) develop self-compassion as a counterbalance. Therapy can provide guidance and skills for increasing your peace of mind, building your confidence, and supporting your pursuit of happiness.
We are here to help. Please read more about anxiety treatment and reach out soon for support.
