Grief represents quite a paradox in our society. In an age of pandemics and social unrest, in addition to our personal challenges, everyone experiences grief at some point. We all know and accept this as truth. Yet, topics like death and loss have become virtually taboo in polite conversation.
Think back to a time when, say, a grade school teacher experienced a death in the family. You heard the news as a way to explain why they took some time off. A week or so later, they were back in front of the classroom. They looked normal and things felt normal. The unspoken lesson, however, was that mourning is a brief process that leaves no lasting or outward scars. If only…
The Stages of Grief are Just a Guide
One of the few open conversations you might have about grief may center around its stages. This concept helps give context to grief by externalizing and normalizing a shared and difficult process. However, while all humans experience stages of grief at some point in their lives, the process for each person is unique and does not follow a prescriptive pattern or order.
It’s important to remember though that grieving never stops. Rather, the loss is slowly integrated into our day to day lives. We live with the loss, experiencing peaks and valleys. Grief may pop up when you least expect it. Other times, like during a life milestone, we feel a renewed sense of bereavement knowing we would’ve shared this moment with the person we lost.
Grieve Your Own Way
As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Whether or not the stages resonate with you, a few factors remain essential:
Follow your own timeline
Grief isn’t like hurting your ankle or coming down with a bad cold. Emotional healing is not linear. Well-meaning folks may urge you to “move on” or “get over it.” This advice ignores the reality that grief is something we must learn to live with. Only you can calibrate what you feel and what you need.
Do Not Suppress or Avoid the Sorrow
Again, when dealing with a physical issue, you’re advised to take steps to relieve the pain. In a state of mourning, it is essential that you allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Accept your emotions fully. Process them. Suppressing the pain usually serves to prolong it. This can lead to unhealthy complications and shame.
Remember, You Can Mourn Any Kind of Loss
Grief and its stages are not reserved solely for times when someone dies. We experience loss in many ways and on many levels. How we respond to such events is up to us. Here are a few examples of “other” losses:
Divorce or separation
Illness, injury, or disability
Being victimized by a crime or by abuse
Natural disasters
Loss of a job and/or retirement
Relocation
Financial issues
We also may mourn for more abstract but equally challenging losses like youth or innocence.
Ask for Help if You Feel “Stuck”
Some people experience complicated grief. They ruminate, fixate, and feel intense longing. Complicated grief may manifest in symptoms like:
Inability to accept the loss
Bitterness
Guilt
Feeling numb
Loss of trust
Trouble keeping up with normal routines
Depression
Isolation or withdrawal
Thoughts of death or suicide
Needless to say, this is not something you need to manage on your own. Grief, in general, is a tricky ride best navigated with some help. Complicated grief more clearly requires intervention. In either case, support is available — even in a time of social distancing. Regular therapy sessions — conducted via video chat or phone call — can become your safe space for working through your own personal version of grief.
Please read more about life and transition counseling and contact us soon for support.
