Grief is an inevitable and natural part of life. Everyone will experience it. However, everyone will experience it in their own way.
Grief is an unpredictable process, and that includes when it begins and how long it lasts. It has some standard stages but follows no blueprint. Grief can also sometimes be delayed.
You may undergo a painful loss, yet the waves of sorrow don’t seem to arrive — until they do. It may take weeks or months or even years. It may come and go. You may feel okay one minute and despondent the next.
What Does “Delayed Grief Reaction” Mean?
It’s instrumental to note that “delayed” isn’t a 100 percent accurate adjective. You may not immediately experience the traditional physical and emotional grief symptoms, e.g., intense sorrow, bouts of crying, blame, self-blame, shock, anger, and disbelief.
What you will likely feel in the meantime are symptoms that are not automatically or solely associated with mourning, for example:
Headaches and body aches
Sleep disturbances
Mood swings
Anxiety
Irritability
Weakened immune system
When the more prominent and more painful grief symptoms hit, they will feel like they came out of nowhere. It’s as if the loss just happened — even if lots of time has passed.
Why You’re Okay One Minute But Not the Next
Here’s a look at some widespread reasons why your emotions can change so quickly when you’re dealing with delayed grief.
1. Denial
Often, the pain of the loss is too overwhelming to face. In the face of such a shock, your mind and body put off accepting and dealing with it. You may notice yourself feeling “numb” but not fully grasp what is happening.
2. Obligations
Just because you’ve lost someone you love doesn’t mean everything stops. You still have a job, family, and other responsibilities to manage. If you play the role of nurturer in your circle, you may end up too focused on being “strong” for others to let yourself feel what you need to feel.
3. Other Crises or Events
A more exaggerated example of the reason above is when a significant situation arises concurrently with your loss. It may be a crisis — illness, injury, job loss, etc. — or an inescapable duty that may be related to your career or an external situation (e.g., global pandemic).
Any of these scenarios can inadvertently launch you into delay mode and leave you vulnerable for a sudden wave of grief.
Small Steps for Managing Delayed Grief Reaction
When the first wave of despair hits, you will be left floundering for answers. It is crucial, at this time, to take small, prudent steps to safeguard your mental and physical health. These steps may fall into a few basic categories, which include:
Practice Basic Self-Care: Make simple daily choices related to your sleep patterns, eating habits, and activity levels.
Avoid Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: It may seem logical to numb the pain with drugs, alcohol, comfort eating, or other dysfunctional options. Reject this premise and find support in healthy ways.
Commune with Loved Ones: Seek comfort and solace with friends and family.
Practice Mindfulness: Make time to experience what you need to experience in the present moment. Don’t avoid the emotions.
Seek Out Bereavement Counseling (see below)
Do Not Delay Getting Help
You cannot control when and how grief arrives. This truth is a daunting reality. However, you can and must control when and how help arrives.
Do not attempt to navigate grief on your own — especially when it comes and goes so unpredictably. Counseling is incredibly beneficial in this situation.
It may be individual or group, in-person or online, but when delayed grief hits, you must not delay seeking out a trained professional. Healing and recovery can and will happen sooner when you have the support of an experienced guide.
Please contact me for more information about life counseling and to schedule a consultation.
