Everyone experiences grief. Not enough people are willing to talk about it. Death remains a somewhat taboo topic even here in the twenty-first century. It’s just not socially acceptable to express feelings like bereavement and mourning. More forbidden is any discussion of anticipatory loss.
You see, some losses are known about in advance. For example, a loved one may be diagnosed with a terminal illness. Hence, the grieving process commences before death — sometimes well before death. You grieve the looming loss, of course. In addition, you may be in pre-mourning for all the other changes that the death will set into motion.
Anticipatory Loss and Grief
When you learn that someone you love is dying, you enter into a strange limbo. It’s an in-between place filled with many conflicting and confusing emotions. You have time in advance to contemplate the seismic shift that is now inevitable. Still, in some cases, however, people may refuse to grieve before death. They see it as giving up hope, a betrayal of sorts.
Each case is different but each case is incredibly difficult. There is no one way to handle such a painful crisis. However, it’s highly recommended that you find a way to express your feelings. Pushing down your emotions can cause you to endure long-term, complicated grief.
For the person who is dying, this is also a very unique situation. It requires a whole lot of acceptance and adjustment, of course. But also, they are given a precious opportunity to experience closure and discern meaning. It is absolutely crucial that they get a chance to dictate their wishes about how this “in-between” time plays out.
An Incredible Chance to Say Goodbye
There is an obvious, perhaps positive characteristic of anticipatory grief. Everyone involved is getting a chance to say what they feel needs to be said. For example:
Develop a plan for things like a funeral and burial
Offer apologies and/or forgiveness
Resolve conflicts, reconcile differences
Express deep feelings about one another
Settle any legal and financial concerns
Say goodbye
It can feel impossible to watch a loved one suffer. Anticipatory loss also puts you in the position to urge them to let go. Reassure them that they are loved and will be missed. But let them know there is no reason to hold and suffer any further.
Suggestions Related to Anticipatory Loss
Educate and Prepare Yourself
Your loved one will need a medical advocate. Learn as much as you can about their condition. This can make it a little easier to help them and to know what lies ahead in this process.
Document, Document, Document
Take photos, shoot video, record voices, and more. You will cherish these documents long after your loved one is gone. Of course, ask the dying person for their permission in this venture.
Take Care of Yourself
It’s tempting to dedicate yourself to becoming a full-time caregiver. Please ask for help. Continue living your life as best as you can. Practice daily self-care. Seek counseling (see below).
Get Help in Processing Your Anticipatory Loss
Do not underestimate the scope of this loss. Studies have found that up to seven out of 10 caregivers develop feelings of anxiety, guilt, anger, and depression. You are being thrust into a situation for which few people are prepared. Reach out for support — in all aspects of this journey.
Working with a therapist is a proven path. You’ll have a skilled guide to help you navigate this uncharted territory. Your sessions are your safe space. No topic is taboo and your grief will be fully validated. Please read more about grief and depression therapy. Then, let’s connect to talk about getting you the support you need.
